home Children Ill-bred child: signs, causes. How to raise a child? Rules of etiquette and behavior for a girl: How to behave in society Rude behavior

Ill-bred child: signs, causes. How to raise a child? Rules of etiquette and behavior for a girl: How to behave in society Rude behavior

- I am a soft, non-confrontational person! - Alice, a friend, often talks about herself. - I don’t like to swear, scandal, sort things out and I won’t. Well, it's not mine! I prefer to resolve disputes peacefully, without stooping to a showdown in raised tones. After all, it is not for nothing that they say that a bad peace is better than a good quarrel ...

Shouts and scandals, noisy swearing is a sign of bad manners and a small mind, Alice believes. A smart person will always find a way to avoid a scandal: to transfer the conversation, to distract the interlocutor, to “not hear” something, to not pay attention to something. Alice considers this skill an undoubted advantage.

“There’s just one thing I don’t understand,” Alice wonders. – Why do many take my kindness for weakness?.. Yes, there are many – almost all! They unbelt and sit on their heads in the literal sense of the word ...

Because that's weakness! her friend answers. “You can't defend yourself at all. Your husband wipes his feet on you, doesn’t put a penny on you, your mother has been making ropes all her life, she still decides where to go and what to do ... But you are already thirty-five! What can I say, you and your child is not taken seriously. You slow everything down, and others from impunity only sit on their necks more. A strong man will not allow anyone to treat him like that! You have to know how to fight. And if you don't know how, learn. There is no way in life without it!

In the depths of her soul, Alice envies her friend: she is dexterous, grasping, self-confident, always knows what she wants. Alice would love to be like her. A friend has a wonderful husband, however, already the second one, who literally blows dust off his wife and her daughter from her first marriage, a sane mother-in-law and a wonderful understanding mother, always ready to listen and come to the rescue.

- All because I raised them all! – laughs girlfriend. - I made it clear to my mother that I was no longer a little girl, but an adult, my opinion should be taken into account. Do you know what conflicts we had with her at first? We survived, but now we don’t have tea in each other’s souls. With my husband, too, there was grinding - hoo. Now he knows that some things I will not tolerate. The first husband did not understand this - I just took my daughter and left. You can’t call me conflict-free ... I always sorted things out right away, I didn’t drive problems inside, I wasn’t afraid to conflict and defend my point of view. You need to learn this too! Without the ability to stand up for yourself in life, you can’t do anything ...

However, no one believes that Alice will ever learn to conflict, demand and scandal. She is too “delicate flower”: just a little, immediately into tears, into snot, into red spots.

I'm not a fighter at all! she says to herself.

And it is true. Scandals are really “not hers”, so she tries her best to avoid them: a bad world is better than a good quarrel! But for some reason, she already has this “thin” world with everyone you don’t take: with her mother, and with her mother-in-law, and with her husband, and with her boss, and with her eleven-year-old son ... Her friend is right: she has normal, healthy relationships Alice is not with anyone.

It turns out that kindness and non-conflict is a weakness? And not dignity at all, but, on the contrary, a disadvantage is akin to cowardice. Is it possible in this case to eradicate this shortcoming in oneself, to become strong from a weak person? For example, read books, go to a psychologist, attend some trainings where they will teach you how to make a fuss and defend your principles. Or is it that what has grown has grown, and if there is no inner strength of character, you can’t take it from anywhere? It's better not to try to change yourself - it will only get worse? ..

Have you met such people in your life? What do you think?

One day, in March 1886, Anton Pavlovich Chekhov will write a letter to his older brother Nikolai, a talented artist, illustrator and cartoonist, whose life will end from pulmonary tuberculosis 3 years later. But then none of the relatives knew about this brother's illness. Perhaps Nikolai himself did not know about this. In any case, I did not find strong sources about this. A curious fact, by the will of fate, the same disease will become the cause of the death of the writer himself in 1904.

The reasons for this letter were the disregard for himself and his talent, the ugly lifestyle of Nikolai, the abuse of alcoholic beverages ... After all, at that time Nikolai Chekhov was widely known as a brilliant artist - he was trusted to paint the walls in the Moscow Cathedral of Christ the Savior, he illustrated the stories of his brother and made caricatures with his signatures, was a member of the society of eminent artists: Levitan, Korovin, Shekhtel, etc.

Anton Pavlovich repeatedly lamented about this: “a good, strong Russian talent is dying, it is dying for nothing.” And in one of the letters he even called his brother "ill-mannered." In this letter, Anton Pavlovich, expressing his opinion about upbringing, lists 8 mandatory qualities or signs of a well-mannered person.

So, excerpts from a letter to N.P. Chekhov, March 1886

“... You often complained to me that you were “not understood!!” Even Goethe and Newton did not complain about this... Only Christ complained, but he did not speak about his "I", but about his teachings... They understand you perfectly... If you do not understand yourself, then it is not the fault of others...

I assure you that as a brother and a person close to you, I understand you and sympathize with you with all my heart ... I know all your good qualities like the back of my hand, I appreciate them and treat them with the deepest respect. If you want, I can even list these qualities as proof that I understand you. In my opinion, you are kind to the point of rags, generous, not an egoist, you will share the last penny, sincere; you are alien to envy and hatred, simple-hearted, pitying people and animals, not malicious, not vindictive, trusting ... You are gifted from above with what others do not have: you have a talent. This talent puts you above millions of people, because on earth there is only one artist in 2,000,000 ... Talent puts you in an isolated position: if you were a toad or a tarantula, then you would be respected, because everything is forgiven to talent.

You have only one drawback. It contains your false soil, and your grief, and your catarrh of the intestines. This is your extreme bad manners. I'm sorry, but veritas magis amicitiae* (*Editor's note: truth is more precious than friendship (lat.)) ...

The fact is that life has its own conditions ... To feel at ease in an intelligent environment, so as not to be a stranger among it and not be burdened by it yourself, you need to be educated in a certain way ... Talent brought you into this environment, you belong to it, but ... you are drawn to it, and you have to balance between the cultural public and the vis-a-vis residents. The middle-class flesh, grown on rods, at the Rhine cellar, on handouts, affects. It is difficult to defeat her, terribly difficult!

Educated people, in my opinion, must satisfy the following conditions:

1) They respect the human person, and therefore they are always condescending, soft, polite, compliant ... They do not rebel because of a hammer or a missing rubber band; living with someone, they do not do this a favor, and when they leave, they do not say: it is impossible to live with you! They forgive noise, and cold, and overcooked meat, and sharpness, and the presence of strangers in their homes ...

2) They are compassionate not only to beggars and cats. They are sick of the soul and from what you can’t see with the naked eye. So, for example, if Peter knows that his father and mother are turning gray from longing and do not sleep at night, due to the fact that they rarely see Peter (and if they see him, then drunk), then he will rush to them and spit on vodka.<…>

3) They respect other people's property and therefore pay their debts.

4) They are sincere and fear lies like fire. They do not lie even in trifles. A lie is offensive to the listener and vulgarizes the speaker in his eyes. They don’t show off, they keep themselves on the street just like at home, they don’t throw dust in the eyes of the smaller brethren ... They are not talkative and do not climb with frankness when they are not asked ... Out of respect for other people's ears, they are more often silent.

5) They do not humble themselves for the purpose of arousing sympathy in another. They do not play on the strings of other people's souls, so that in response they sigh and coddle with them. They don't say, "They don't understand me!" or: “I exchanged for small coins! I would<…>!!”, because all this has a cheap effect, it’s vulgar, old, false…

6) They are not vain. They are not interested in such counterfeit diamonds as acquaintances with celebrities, the handshake of a drunken Plevako, the delight of a passerby at the Salon, fame for porters ... They laugh at the phrase: “I am a representative of the press !!”, which suits only the Rodzevichs and Levenbergs. Making for a penny, they don’t rush about with their folder for a hundred rubles and don’t brag about the fact that they were allowed to go where others were not allowed ... True talents always sit in the dark, in the crowd, away from the exhibition ... Even Krylov said that an empty barrel is more audible than full...

7) If they have talent in themselves, they respect it. They sacrifice peace, women, wine, vanity for him... They are proud of their talent.<…>

8) They cultivate aesthetics in themselves. They cannot sleep in their clothes, see cracks in the wall with bugs, breathe bad air, walk on the spat on the floor, eat from a kerosene stove. They try to tame and ennoble the sexual instinct as much as possible ... Sleep with a woman, breathe into her mouth<…>endure its logic, do not deviate from it even a single step - and all this because of what! Those brought up in this respect are not so kitchen. What they need from a woman is not a bed, not horse sweat,<…>not the mind, expressed in the ability to cheat with a fake pregnancy and lie tirelessly ... They, especially artists, need freshness, grace, humanity, the ability to be not<…>, but as a mother ... They don’t crack vodka in a casual way, they don’t sniff cupboards, because they know that they are not pigs. They only drink when they are free, on occasion... For they need mens sana in corpore sano.* (* Editor's note: a healthy mind in a healthy body (lat.))

And so on. Such are the educated... In order to be educated and not to stand below the level of the environment in which you have fallen, it is not enough to read only Pickwick and memorize the monologue from Faust.<…>

Here you need uninterrupted day and night work, eternal reading, study, will ... Every hour is precious here ...

Trips to Yakimanka and back won't help. You must boldly spit and rush sharply ... Come to us, break a decanter of vodka and lie down to read ... at least Turgenev, which you have not read ...

<…>pride must be abandoned, because you are not small ... 30 years soon! It's time!

Waiting... We are all waiting...

There are people who show a character trait that can be called a tendency to rude or uncultured behavior. To this category belong those who have the habit of biting their nails, picking their nose, or regurgitating their food. The meaning of these habits becomes clear when we observe a greedy person. He is very voracious, and how noisily he eats! While eating, he bites off huge pieces. In what exorbitant quantities he absorbs food, and how quickly and how often! We have all met people who are only happy when they eat.

Another manifestation of this lack of manners is untidiness and slovenliness. We are not referring here to the lack of pedantry of extremely busy people or the natural clutter we sometimes see in the workplace. People of the category we are talking about, as a rule, do almost no useful work and are always surrounded by disorder and garbage. There are individuals who seem to enjoy dirt and decay, and it is hard for us to imagine them without this distinguishing feature.

These are just some of the character traits of an ill-mannered person. They clearly show us that he does not agree to play by the rules and would rather move away from other people. Looking at people who commit these and other similar unsightly acts, we involuntarily come to the conclusion that they do not care enough for their own kind. Most often, uncivilized behavior begins in childhood, since it is hardly possible to find children who develop in a straight line. Some adults just never managed to overcome their childhood habits.

At the heart of these manifestations of bad manners lies a more or less pronounced unwillingness to communicate with their own kind. Any ill-mannered individual wants to withdraw from life and is not inclined to cooperate with others. It is easy to understand why these people do not heed admonitions to become more educated: when a person does not want to play by the rules in life, such behavior is, in essence, quite logical for him. He could hardly have found a better way to scare other people away than by biting his nails in front of everyone or walking around in a skirt adorned with sauce stains. What other mode of behavior could so effectively prevent him from entering a position in which he would have to compete with others, where he would be open to criticism and discussion? Is there a more effective way to avoid love and marriage than to appear in front of people in an unsightly way? The loss of such a person in the competition is predetermined, and at the same time he can blame it on his bad manners. “What would I not be able to do if not for this bad habit!” he exclaims, and at the same time whispers to the side with relief: “But unfortunately, I have it!”

Consider a case in which a bad habit became a weapon of self-defense and was used to dominate other people. We are talking about a twenty-two-year-old girl who suffered from bedwetting at night. She was born in the penultimate family and, being a weak and sickly child, was the subject of constant care of her mother, on whom she became extremely dependent. She managed to chain her mother to her both day and night - during the day due to anxiety attacks, and at night due to urinary incontinence. At first it seemed to her a triumph, it was a balm for her vanity. Through her bad behavior, she managed to monopolize her mother at the expense of her siblings.

Another feature of this girl was that she could not be persuaded to make friends with anyone or go to school. She was especially alarmed when she had to leave the house. Even when she grew up and she had to fulfill the instructions of her parents in the evenings, walking alone in the dark was a real torment for her. She came home completely exhausted and terrified and told many stories about the dangers she had been exposed to. As we now see, all these inclinations meant only one thing: this young woman wanted to be close to her mother all the time. But, since financial circumstances did not allow this, she had to look for work. In the end, she was persuaded to join the service, but after only two days she began to wet the bed again, and she had to quit. The mother, who did not understand the true meaning of her illness, attacked her with reproaches. In response, the daughter attempted suicide and ended up in the hospital, after which the mother vowed never to leave her again.

All these means - urinary incontinence, fear of the dark, fear of being alone and attempting suicide - were aimed at achieving one goal. As we understand, they mean: “I must stay close to my mother” or “Mother must constantly take care of me!”. Thus, such an unacceptable form of behavior in society as bedwetting is filled with valuable meaning. We already understand that these bad habits can be used to analyze the whole person. At the same time, we see that such deviations in behavior can only be eliminated if we fully understand the patient's place in his social context.

In a word, we tend to find that children's bad habits are aimed at attracting the attention of adults. They are resorted to by children who want either to play a significant role in the adult world, or to show adults how weak and helpless they are. Sometimes the most well-behaved children seem to be possessed by a demon as soon as a guest crosses the threshold of the house. The child wants to play a role and does not stop trying until he reaches his goal and is satisfied. When such children grow up, they try to get away with the help of similar behavior from the need to fulfill the requirements of society or damage the common good by splitting the social group. Beneath all such manifestations are lust for power and narcissism. Only the fact that they are skillfully disguised and their forms are varied does not allow us to recognize the true reason for their appearance and the purpose they serve.

13 OTHER MANIFESTATIONS OF CHARACTER

It is known that giving a child a good upbringing is not an easy task. But is it really that important? What happens if parents fail to explain to children the elementary rules of decency, as well as instill the basics of good behavior and respect for other people?

How does an ill-bred child behave? Where is the line between the lack of education and childish spontaneity? According to French psychologist Christine Brunet, a good upbringing is not the most important thing for a child to survive in the world.

However, politeness contributes to the development of self-confidence and a sense of one's own security. Knowing the rules of good manners is a valuable tool for managing your life, and proper education is, first of all, the ability to behave with other people, which allows you to form awareness and respect for others.

But why should a child be educated? According to Christine Brunet, firstly, a good upbringing allows children to feel good in any situation, not to be shy and not feel ashamed for no apparent reason. Secondly, upbringing implies prohibitions on the part of parents on certain behavior, words and gestures of children.

These inhibitions are very important for the child because they allow him to grow. Condescension and indulgence do not allow the child to give up his childish omnipotence, from the illusion that he can do whatever he wants.

Christine Brunet argues that without knowing the rules and boundaries, it is difficult for a child to find his place in society. For example, if a child tries to communicate with adults as with his peers, then he will experience certain difficulties in understanding the situation.

If a child is forgiven all whims, it will be difficult for him to learn how to manage his emotions and get the right idea about the limits of what is permitted and the limits of decency.

What does "ill-mannered child" mean?

According to Christine Brunet, an ill-mannered child can, without asking permission, take objects that do not belong to him, enter the parent's bedroom or bathroom without warning, answer questions instead of adults, not pay attention to parents and people around him ...

To better explain the concept of "ill-mannered child", the French psychoanalyst Claude Almos gives the following example:

Evening bus at rush hour, packed with people. Young people sit comfortably, pensioners ride standing up. Ordinary wildness. In the back of the bus, a little girl of three or four years old lay down on two seats. Even three.

Since this space seemed insufficient to her, she put her feet (in wet boots) on the seat opposite. Her mother, standing in the aisle, not only says nothing, but enthusiastically admires her daughter.

The situation is so absurd, so absurd, that one would expect objections from the surrounding people. However, no one intervenes. As if everyone was overtaken by a sharp decline in strength, passengers are immobilized by their helplessness ...

But why was it that none of the passengers on the bus could reprimand this girl, although no one justified her actions? What scares people in such situations? Is it a four year old baby?

Oddly enough, but Claude Almos claims that, most likely, this is true. However, it is not the child himself who makes us silent, but what he shows by his behavior.

According to Claude Almos, an ill-mannered child, by his attitude towards others, embodies the denial of two fundamentally important concepts: the existence of another person (other people) and the existence of rules of life, which, one way or another, serve us as a compass.

The child on the bus took not even one seat, but three. And it is obvious that if the girl could take five places, she would do it. She placed herself (unknowingly) at the "center of the universe", at the head of everything and everyone.

The illusion of absolute omnipotence, the desire that life be directed only towards the search for pleasure, appears in an infant at the very beginning of life, and we have all gone through this stage of development. We all had to (and not painlessly) give it up.

To understand reality, as well as the rules by which it is arranged, and these damned "others", whose existence forces us to do not only what we want, when we want and how we want.

Meanwhile, on this bus, we encountered a power grab that took us back to the lost paradise of our first months of life: power grab through what Freud calls the "pleasure principle."

The power grab is mesmerizing (this little girl dared to do something we can no longer do...what power!) and terrifying at the same time. Because the limits of decency, to some extent restricting us, at the same time give us protection, and we understand this.

At the same time, the behavior of the mother reinforces the seizure of power by the child: the parent not only allows the daughter to behave inappropriately, but also "represents" his child to society under the slogan "to love a child means to allow him everything." Claude Almos considers this a gross mistake.

Using the example of the bus, Claude Almos makes it clear that politeness and good breeding are not limited to a set of appropriate, often empty words and gestures, akin to a decorative covering that must be acquired in order to have a "well-bred" appearance.

On the contrary, correct upbringing is an indispensable element for the development of the personality, as well as a means given to the child in order to struggle in everyday life with the pleasure principle, which is capable of subjugating the will of a person at any moment and ruining life.

If the mother of the little girl on the bus really acted as a mother, she would explain to her daughter what a polite person should do in such a situation, that is, give up her seat.

By doing this, the mother would teach the child that there are other people who can feel and suffer. In doing so, she would raise her daughter's self-esteem by putting her in the position of an "adult" capable of making conscious actions.

By not doing this, the mother allowed the child to enjoy her animal nature, undoubtedly giving temporary joy, but definitely having a destructive character. If other people are an empty place for a child, how can he think that he himself has dignity and the right to respect?

How can you sit at a desk at school when you can drive around the city, lounging on the seats on the bus? Christine Brunet argues that sometimes parents cannot or do not know how to explain the rules of behavior to their child, because there is no time, energy, courage, or because they are afraid to oppress their child.

13 OTHER MANIFESTATIONS OF CHARACTER